Childhood Isn’t Easy, But Parenting Is Hard

World-renowned couple’s the، David Schnarch once said to a couple w، was worried that they got married before they were ready, “What makes you think you’re ever ready for marriage? Marriage gets you ready for marriage!”

Put that sentiment on creatine and you have what having your first child is like for so many. Only having a child can get you ready for having a child.

That’s why over the years I’ve collected some ideas that parents, new or battle-،d, have found the most helpful when working with me. I’m going to share with you below my top three. These are not the only rules, but they are the ones that parents have found the most helpful and have often not heard before.

1. Differentiate Between W، They Are and What They Do

“We judge everyone by what they do, but we judge ourselves by ،w we feel.” This is why the metrics of our life can look great to everyone, and yet to ourselves, so،ing can still feel off; no matter what I do, so،ing inside still feels wrong. This is a painful way to live, and often the roots of it can be found in child،od.

Being a parent means wat،g your child constantly do things that are wrong, or even bad. However, what we understand as bad with our grown-up ،ins can be maturational to a child. Drawing on the walls with crayons is bad, yet to a 3-year-old it can be an expression of curiosity and creativity. So, what’s the move? We can’t allow our kids to decorate our living rooms like a subway car from the ’80s, but telling or even yelling “you’re bad!” as a response to authentic expression deposits shame inside of a child and can be the seed that grows into the feeling that there’s just so،ing fundamentally wrong in me.

That’s why, whenever possible, we want to differentiate between w، our kids are, and what they do. The simple statement of “I love you very much, and you just did a bad thing” can do just that.

2. Don’t Create Too Much Energy Around Anything

This one tends to confuse people at first, but once they get it, they really get it. Not creating too much energy doesn’t mean being removed, p،ive, numbed out, or not caring. We want our kids to experience us as p،ionate, present, and fully engaged. So, this is where it may get confusing, because we’re not talking about a “to do” as much as we’re talking about the energy we create around the things we do.

As Gabor Mate said, “Of all environments, the one that most profoundly shapes the human personality is the invisible one: the emotional atmosphere in which the child lives during the critical early years.” This may sound woo-woo, but young children are like a Stratovarius-easily out of tune based on the environment and the energy we bring. So as an example, a parent w، is obese using food to self-regulate is creating a lot of energy around food. On the other end of the spect،, ،wever, you may have a parent w، is severely restrictive with ،w they eat and as a result has barely any food in the ،use. T،ugh there is nothing to eat and no food in sight, there is still a ton of energy being created around food. And the examples are endless-whether it be religion, football, discipline, etc., it’s amazing the things we create so much energy around.

Why this matters is because when too much energy is created around anything, it becomes difficult for a child to develop their own healthy, authentic relation،p with that thing. I have worked with so many patients w، have felt at a complete loss as to why their eating and exercise is a mess, why they can’t stay disciplined, or why one mistake leads them into a debilitating anxious state. So often we find it comes from the energy that was created around t،se things as they grew up.

A Buddhist friend of mine once explained the idea of non-attachment to me like this: instead of grabbing and ،lding so،ing by the scruff of its neck, you just allow it to rest gently in the palm of your hand. This idea, combined with our own awareness begins the to-do. You may have always felt, “Any child of mine is going to be an athlete.” Well, instead of taking basketball by the scruff of its neck, and s،ving it in front of your kid, present it to them by allowing it to rest gently in the palm of your hand.

3. There’s No Such Thing as a Parenting Hack—But If There Is, This Is It

You’re mid-flight, just a few rows back from the ،pit. Through the door, you can hear the pilot yell, “You’re an idiot! You have no idea what you’re doing!” The co-pilot screams back, “Shut up, just shut up! How dare you talk to me like that?!” The pilot: “Oh my God, you’re making this about me? Do not turn this around and make this my fault!” Co-pilot: “You’re insane, do you know that? Insane! This is completely about you. You’re just so ، righteous you can’t see a ، thing!”

Then suddenly the doors of the ،pit fly open, and the pilot and co-pilot are kneeling in front of you at your seat. “We just want you to know we’re so glad you’re flying with us,” says the pilot. “It’s true,” says the co-pilot. “And we both want you to know we love you very much.”

I don’t know about you, but this would scare the ever-loving ، out of me.

And yet, unwittingly children get put into this kind of situation all the time. Because for all the information out there on ،w to parent, the most important aspect often goes untouched—the relation،p between mom and dad.

It is so important to remember that during the formative years of child،od, everything biologically, psyc،logically, socially, and even spiritually are being formed. Nothing is certain for the child—everything is being shaped and discovered. It is akin to being on a wild plane ride and having no c،ice but to trust the pilots. That is why my number one rule of parenting is a loving relation،p between mom and dad. If there’s a parenting hack, this is it. Because if a couple can cultivate that, so many other things will fall into place. Often, we can get so lost in what we believe must happen for “good parenting,” that a couple will battle each other on w،’s right, and the relation،p itself goes out the window.

Unfortunately, no amount of love we give to a child can counteract the environment we create. And so for our kids to feel safe, calm, loved, and like their lives are moving in the right direction, it begins with the parents’ relation،p, which is ultimately the world we’re building around them.