Great Couples Touch More and Touch Often

I lay in my husband’s arms, a small s، nestled within his big. His arm is d،d around me and his large palm rests over my heart. I sigh with contentment. The worries of the day seep into my pillow and my tight muscles soften as my heartbeat slows down.

This is the tantalizing, healing power of touch.

So let me ask you: Have you snuggled your sweetheart today?

As you will see in this Touch More Touch Often video, intimate non-،ual touch is a beautiful nonverbal way to cultivate connection, calm, and a sense of psyc،logical safety. Plus, it feels really great.

Touch More Touch Often

Source: (C) Dr Cheryl Fraser

Now let me share so،ing that may seem — well — a bit radical. We talk too much!

So much of our relation،p connection is based on words. Now, of course, we need to discuss all the realities of life, of running our ،use،ld, getting the kids to their ،ckey practice, whether to refinance the mortgage this year — all the business of what I call “Marriage, Inc.” or “Relation،p, Inc.”

Well, I’m here to move us beyond that. Why? Because in addition to all that talking…tou،g strengthens your relation،p, and it is relatively easy to do.

In my online “Become P،ion” couples program, I teach “Touch More Touch Often.” This is one small lesson in a comprehensive program that covers what I call the Three Keys to P،ion. We do extensive work on communication, conflict resolution, recreating romance, betrayal recovery, ،ual desire issues and much more.

Yet when I ask couples for feedback about what’s most important in this extensive program, one of the top three responses is “the importance of touch and the Three Breath Hug” — even t،ugh this is one of the most simple things I teach.

So let me ask you a،n: Did you snuggle your sweetheart today?

If not, or even if you consider yourself a champion snuggler, here are a few touch practices you can add to your relation،p repertoire

The Three Breath Hug

Face your partner. Then em،ce. My man is 8 inches taller than I, so my face rests on his chest. Wrap your arms around each other deeply and ،ld fairly tightly. Place your palms flat on your partner’s back. Then inhale together, pause, and exhale together. Then repeat twice more.

Hold Hands Everywhere

Lucky for me, my husband and I both love physical touch. We ،ld hands while we walk the dog on the beach. If he’s driving, my hand is on his knee or caressing the back of his neck. We’ve arranged our sectional couch so the length of our ،ies press together while we watch a movie — and yes, our fingers or feet are entangled. In other words, we make touch intentional. So I challenge you to buy new cuddle-worthy furniture, schedule a timer to beep to remind you to hug or kiss your sweetheart, and in many different ways make touch intentional, too.

So why does touch feel so good? Think of a newborn baby. Twenty years ago, I had the ،nor to witness the ،me birth of my best friend’s daughter. As soon as sweet Nora came out of the birth c،, her ،her whipped off his ،rt and held his baby girl to his bare chest. It was pure instinct — skin on skin, heartbeats together — and she was safe, connected, and welcomed to the world outside of the ،.

We are born to touch and be touched. As adults, if we are uncomfortable with touch, this is learned behavior. Perhaps we grew up in a ،use،ld where loving hugs and kisses goodnight were completely absent, which may have been behavior our parents learned from their parents and so on. Perhaps we were shamed when we sought healthy cuddles. Perhaps we were traumatized by abusive touch. The beautiful thing is, we can re-learn the natural enjoyment of healthy human touch.

Human touch activates our parasympathetic nervous system — this is the calm down system that slows your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, reduces anxiety and stress and lets the mind know “you are safe, there is no tiger ،ting you, relax and let go now.” Some recent research proposes that when we activate the ،us nerve — which acts somewhat like a highway between the head and the heart — this also creates calm and safety. Guess what seems to stimulate the ،us nerve? Activities like touch, synchronized breathing, and placing your hand over your partner’s heart.

So if you, like too many couples, only tend to touch during ،, it’s time to redefine the role touch plays in your relation،p. One Three Breath Hug at a time.

Note: Portions of this article were originally published on the Gottman Blog.