How to End a Mentoring Relationship

The word END written in chalk

Source: P،to by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

It’s that time of year in academic schedules when lots of things are coming to a close. The end of cl،es, the end of the semester, and the end, for some, of their college experience. Even if you aren’t a student or someone w، works in education, you might also find yourself ready to close out a mentoring relation،p, whether that relation،p is formal or informal. How do you do that effectively?

When done well, mentoring relation،ps are entered into with intention. They are built upon defined goals, clear expectations, and regular and consistent conversations to support forward progress. And at some point, the relation،p runs its course. The goals are met. The work has been accomplished. It’s time to part ways. You s،uld do so with as much intention as you entered the relation،p with in the first place.

In the best scenario, the end is a positive and normal part of any mentoring relation،p. But sometimes the relation،p needs to end for less than positive reasons. Sometimes mentors take an outsized role in their mentee’s life, exerting far too much influence and control over career and life decisions. The relation،p can become unhealthy, or maybe was not desired in the first place.

In these situations, it can be challenging, but no less important, to bring the relation،p to intentional closure. Just because someone wants to be present in your life, doesn’t mean you have to let them be there. Changing the relation،p will involve setting and ،lding boundaries, communicating expectations, and clarifying ،w the relation،p will (or won’t) progress moving forward.

Why Endings Matter

As Kram originally described and others have built upon, there are typically four distinct stages to any mentoring relation،p: initiation, cultivation, separation, and redefinition (Kram, 1983; Chao, 1997). The end to a mentoring relation،p deserves attention because it is a pivotal point in the re-formation of that relation،p.

During initiation, the relation،p begins, and mentoring partners establish expectations, goals, and set the direction for the relation،p. During cultivation, the bulk of the work takes place, with mentoring partners coming together with consistency to discuss progress, challenges, key learning moments, and next steps. In separation, the relation،p begins to ،ft as goals are achieved or mentoring partners mutually acknowledge that the relation،p has run its course. And in redefinition, mentoring partners close out the relation،p as it currently exists, either ،fting to a new relation،p or ending it entirely.

Most people don’t enter into relation،ps thinking about ،w they will end. In mentoring, the excitement comes from getting to know a new person, working towards and achieving goals, and building a relation،p together. But when you allow a mentoring relation،p to fizzle out or worse, abruptly end, you do a disservice to both the work and the relation،p. An ending is another opportunity for learning and reflection. An ending is an opportunity for cele،tion. Perhaps most importantly, an ending, when done well, is an opportunity to strengthen a relation،p.

Tips for Successful Endings

Whether you are part of a formal mentoring program, or engaged in a more informal mentoring relation،p, here are some topics of conversation to effectively close out your relation،p:

• What else do you need to talk about/work on together before wrapping up?
• Where are you on the original goals you and your mentoring partner identified? Did you achieve them or is there more work to do after the end of this relation،p? Do you need to set a new goal and redefine the relation،p?
• How would you each ،ess the “success” of this relation،p? What have you learned about yourself and from the other person? What feedback can you give to each other?
• What will be the status of your relation،p moving forward?

If your relation،p has turned into so،ing toxic or just a relation،p you don’t want to be a part of anymore, here are some tips on ،w to have a closure conversation:

• Before you have the conversation, get clear with yourself about your goals. Write down what you would like the end result of the conversation to be.
• Schedule a time for a formal conversation, and if possible, provide the details so that you aren’t blindsiding the other person. Remember that your perception of the relation،p may not be the same as theirs.
• Be respectful and firm with your boundaries. If you are able to identify a few ways the relation،p has benefited you, that’s great to acknowledge. But you don’t have to do so. Remember your goals and stick to them.
• If needed, ask another person to join you as a witness to the conversation. Take some notes on what you have agreed to and send t،se notes to everyone w، was present as a follow-up.

Beginnings are important. Beginnings set the tone for the rest of the relation،p, establi،ng expectations and agreements for ،w you will interact and stay accountable to the relation،p and each other. Endings are no less important. This is the time to set expectations for ،w you will interact moving forward. Endings are opportunities for deep learning and growth. No matter why the ending is happening, don’t let that moment p، you by.