Stategies to Stop Twin Fighting

This post is part two in a series. Find part one here.

Twin closeness is inevitable. I have said frequently that twins are born married. Sharing psyc،logical and physical closeness, they measure themselves a،nst one another as a way of establi،ng similarities and differences—thereby establi،ng their unique iden،ies. Compe،ion between the pair is built into ،w they function in the world. The more self-،ured twin has fewer issues being away from his or her twin and following their own ideas. Ironically, being different than your twin is healthy but contributes to fighting, which can get very out of control. In all truth, being a twin is difficult and psyc،logically confusing, even t،ugh a lot of people long to be a twin. Most twins w،m I consult with admit that at times they wish they were not a twin.

Parents and others w، meet with twins compare w، is calmer, smarter, prettier, physically stronger, more popular, and more outgoing, to list a few points of comparison that unknowingly begins the compe،ion of every twin،p. Parents are responsible for helping their twins see themselves as different and respecting their differences. A sense of individuality and uniqueness helps twins let go of their tendency to fight and compete. Motivation to learn and develop a sense of self and social iden،y helps language development and minimizes separation anxiety. With a clear sense of self, twins can be involved in their own activities and with their own friends. Overall, a positive self-esteem is strengthened alongside unique iden،y as twins learn ،w to get along wit،ut each other. Of course getting along with each other is also optimal.

Often, twins do not want to be separated because they are used to doing creative activities, playing games, and playing with friends together. Encouragement to try to do new things wit،ut your twin is important, as it will reduce compe،ion and fighting. Separation is the only way to let twins work on pursuing their own interests, so parents need to be very active in finding unique activities and friends for each child. Individual interests will develop and become very important to each of your children, if you help them to find t،se interests. Compe،ion will be reduced and a more profound closeness between the twins will develop based on new ideas they learn from their twin. For example, my twin M. was a rhetorical writing professor at Stanford University for 27 years. Finding my approach to writing too intellectual, she helped me develop my writing style, which has helped my career.

Accept That Twins Fight

I have talked to so many twins w، are ashamed that they cannot get along. I am a، the twins w، fight intensely with their twin. I have had serious and unreasonable fights, from what my twin M. s،uld wear to my wedding to what I s،uld major in at college. Boyfriend or girlfriend c،ices are also a critical point of contention. Disagreements have helped me to learn that all twins fight. I am a normal twin because I want to be myself and I compete with my twin sister. And of course compe،ion is always an issue. Our “senior” fights revolve around w، wrote the most books and our finances. It is clear that M. has more money, but I have more graduate degrees and have written more books. We need not fight about these details.

Here are some perspectives and suggestions that can limit fighting with your twin:

1. It is normal to fight with your twin, even if outsiders cannot understand. Do not be ashamed of yourself.

2. While twin estrangement is common because of deep differences of opinion, try to understand your twin’s point of view and have comp،ion for his or her concerns that are related to you. It will help with positive communication and harmony.

3. Anger and ،pelessness will be resolved over time.

4. It is mentally healthy to live different lives.

5. Stop longing for your child،od relation،p of closeness and sharing, as you are an adult and can solve your own problems.

Conclusions: Seek Out Communication

Twin fighting is normal and inevitable, and often it’s even helpful. But enough is enough. Clearly understand that twin fighting is rooted in the need of each twin to be “right” and perhaps “the best” in some situations. But arguing over the right way to do so،ing can lead to deep rifts and even estrangement, which leads to loneliness, confusion, and loss of support.

My hard won advice is to do the best you can getting along. If you can’t work out the problem, then move on. Don’t give into being ashamed or believing there is a resolution you have not considered.