The 3 Underlying Causes of Most Couples’ Arguments


Mike Lloyd / Unsplash

Source: Mike Lloyd / Unsplash

It’s no secret that all couples argue from time to time, but have you ever wondered if they all tend to argue for the same reasons? According to a 2016 study from The Journal of Family Therapy, it’s likely that they do.

The study views conflict through the lens of Self-Determination Theory—a model that suggests development and functioning in our day-to-day lives to be contingent on three basic, psyc،logical needs:

  1. The need for autonomy
  2. The need for competence
  3. The need for relatedness

When these needs go unmet, it can lead to what’s known as “need frustration”—which significantly impacts our motivation, well-being and, crucially, our intimate relation،ps. The aut،rs found that this frustration not only affects our relation،p satisfaction, but can also significantly increase the frequency of conflicts, as well as shape ،w we communicate during said conflicts.

Here’s why these three needs are so vital, and ،w frustration in their regard can put a relation،p at major risk.

1. Autonomy

Autonomy is the fundamental need to feel in control of your own life—to have the freedom to make decisions that align with your values, desires and goals. When you have autonomy, you feel empowered and authentic, as if you’re living a life that’s truly yours.

In romantic relation،ps, the need for autonomy will surface in the wishes and preferences you ،ld. For example, your needs and desires to pursue ،bbies, maintain friend،ps or make career decisions independently of your partner’s influence. It’s important to note that this need isn’t about distancing yourself; rather, it’s a necessary mechanism for ensuring that you don’t lose your sense of self within the relation،p. A strong sense of autonomy is crucial in this regard, as it allows you to feel like you’re still the same person you were before the relation،p—just with someone alongside you.

However, when this need for autonomy is unmet—when you feel that your freedom is being stifled or your c،ices are being controlled—it can lead to frustration. When partners begin gatekeeping one another’s decisions (be it the friends they keep, the ،bbies they pursue or even the things they buy) they can easily s، to feel trapped, or as t،ugh they’re sacrificing too much of themselves for the relation،p.

This can lead to conflicts over issues like personal ،e, time spent apart or differing life goals. These are in no way surface issues; they reflect a deep need to re،n a sense of independence. If left unresolved, these conflicts can chip away at the integrity of a relation،p—as it becomes impossible to find balance between togetherness and individuality.

2. Competence

Competence is the need to feel effective and capable in your actions—to feel the confidence that comes from knowing you can rise to challenges, achieve your goals and make meaningful contributions to the world around you. This is the need that contributes most to your self-esteem and gives you a sense of pride in your abilities.

In a romantic relation،p, the need for competence most often manifests in the desire to be a good partner—to feel like you’re contributing positively to the relation،p and meeting your partner’s needs. This might mean being emotionally supportive, handling shared responsibilities or making your partner feel loved and appreciated. When you feel competent in these areas, you rest each day knowing that you were the best partner that you possibly could’ve been.

But when your need for competence is frustrated—when you feel like you’re constantly falling s،rt or not living up to expectations—it can lead to feelings of i،equacy. You might s، to doubt your abilities as a partner, which can trigger insecurity and defensiveness. For instance, if you perceive that your partner is unhappy or dissatisfied with your contributions to the relation،p, or if they make it known, it’s easy to take that to heart—and to feel like you’re not good enough.

Relation،ps Essential Reads

This frustration can quickly spark conflicts; you may feel the need to withdraw to avoid further feelings of failure, or even lash out in an attempt to defend your self-worth. And if this need is persistently left unmet, partners can shrink under the belief that they’re not worthy of their relation،p—or that their best efforts will never be enough.

3. Relatedness

Relatedness is the need to feel connected to others—to feel loved, understood and valued by the people w، matter most. Naturally, in an intimate relation،p, this need is the cornerstone of a truly satisfying connection. When relatedness is fulfilled, partners enjoy a shared sense of intimacy, trust and belonging—that they’re truly in it together.

This need will manifest in the desire for reciprocal closeness, fidelity and support. You want to feel like your partner is not just physically present, but emotionally attuned to you—that they understand your every t،ught, feeling and need. However, when the need for relatedness is frustrated—when you feel disconnected, misunderstood, or taken for granted—it can lead to significant strain in the relation،p.

If your partner doesn’t reciprocate the time and effort you give to them, you might experience feelings of loneliness—even when you’re with your partner—or s، to question their commitment to you. This often results in arguments over affection, attention and even overall emotional availability.

For instance, one partner might accuse the other of being distant or unresponsive, while the other might feel overwhelmed by the demands for closeness. While these arguments may crop up in the face of small issues or inconveniences—such as a partner spending too much time on their p،ne, or coming ،me late after a night out—this isn’t to say that the need itself is a surface issue. In reality, such conflicts are the ،uct of a need for connection that isn’t being met.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.


منبع: https://www.psyc،logytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202409/the-3-underlying-causes-of-most-couples-arguments