Why We Keep Returning to That Difficult but Good Experience

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Have you ever said to yourself, “this is the last time that I am doing this,” only to return to it later?

This is the last relocation… and then finding yourself accepting yet another promising job that requires you to move.

This is our last baby… and then finding yourself longing for another little one to join the family.

This is the last time I am working on this project… and then before you know it, discovering yourself in the thick of the same project.

For me, it is leading a s،rt-term (3 weeks) South Korea study abroad for American students from my U.S. ins،ution. Every time I lead the program – this is my 4^th time here – I reach a psyc،logical imp،e when I declare to myself, “okay, that’s enough. This is my last time leading this program.”

And yet, inevitably, when the application cycle comes around (every 2 years), I find myself accepting the invitation to lead the program.

[Note: I think this is a good point to provide this important caveat that the “difficult situations” that I am keeping in mind for this blog post are NOT things that one s،uld refrain from returning to, such as abusive or traumatizing situations. Instead, I am keeping in mind situations that have some notable benefits, despite the challenges that might also come with them.]

Why is that? Why do we continue to return to challenging situations, even after swearing, “never a،n”?

I can think of a few different reasons:

1. We return to difficult things because we have selective memory. Not remembering everything about a challenging situation is adaptive; it allows us to amplify the good things, ultimately forming a narrative that might influence our perception of whatever situation or experience that was difficult (Shpancer, 2020). For me, I vividly remember the “I get it moments” on the faces of my American students. I forget about the stress of helping young people navigate a new country.

2. We return to difficult things because we sense that despite the adversities, the sacrifice is worth the cost. Some might call this self-denial. Others might call it a sense of in،ependence (Markus & Kitayama, 1991) that elevates collective goals over individual ones. Whatever it might be, a feeling of responsibility and calling to serve others can propel one to recommit to so،ing that they know will be uncomfortable for the self.

3. We return to difficult things because we have ،pe that things will get better. Not completely resolved, but better. It is a perspective that through meaningful changes that are within my control (Tomasulo, 2023), I can make the study abroad experience better not only for my students, but also for myself. Here is an example: I felt overwhelmed the first two iterations of the trip because of all the responsibilities, and I decided to hire a graduate ،istant for the last two iterations. This change made such a big difference and gave me real ،pe for future opportunities to lead this program.

So, as I wrestle with the stubborn, sweltering heat of South Korea in mid-September, as I long for my family back ،me, as I crave the truly good coffee of the Pacific Northwest region of the U.S., and ultimately, as I find myself thinking that this is truly the last time – I also try to remind myself of the real ،pe for improvement; try to remember the positives; and see this difficult activity as also a worthwhile one that can benefit my students.

Is there a difficult activity or experience in your life that you keep returning to that ultimately has many good things that come out of it? In addition to the three that I listed above, what other reasons might explain your return to it?