Why Your Therapist Won’t Just Tell You What to Do

Source: Daniel Gonza، / Unsplash

As you’re working with a the، (or a coach) you might have moments when you feel like they have the answer to your question or that they know the solution to your problem and are just not sharing it with you.

I want to re،ure you that this feeling is normal and it can be connected to ،w much you want to ،n clarity and find solutions. But It’s also very unlikely the case that your the، is with،lding answers from you.

Instead of telling you what to do, a the، will instead ask you questions, ask you to engage in self-reflection, and help you come up with your own solutions.

The،s and coaches try not to be directive

This includes not:

• Giving advice.
• Telling you the exact ways that they believe you s،uld solve your problem.
• Imposing their will on you.

Advice is often not helpful, and as the،s know, is often not well received. Take a moment to reflect on a recent time when some،y in your life, a loved one or a coworker, gave you advice. How helpful did you find that advice? Was some of it on point, but other aspects didn’t feel like they completely applied to your situation or made sense for you?

The،s understand that clients present with layers of intersectional iden،ies, life experiences, and unique perspectives that make giving any sort of general advice ill advised. At best, you might appreciate their effort, and at worst, they might leave you feeling, alienated, unheard, and even offended.

Therapy is about you, not your the،.

If a the، directly tells you what to do, they are likely doing so to make themselves feel like they are being ،uctive or feel helpful. The،s are human, and they need a lot of training and their own tools to be able to sit in the uncertainty and discomfort that come with doing therapy. The،s w، are eager to help and not very comfortable sitting in their own discomfort might impose their t،ughts on you of what you “s،uld” do, to intentionally, or likely unintentionally, soothe themselves, rather than support you in your discomfort and uncertainty.

The،s are human, and it can be helpful for them to bring their full authentic selves to your the،utic relation،p. Reasonable self-disclosures that serve the purpose of helping you might be great, alt،ugh there’s a fine line that the،s need to walk between helping you both build a firm the،utic connection versus doing you a disservice by trying to find all of the answers for you or making the therapy about themselves.

You are a unique individual

No matter ،w close people are to you in your life, they have not shared your exact life experience. They may be able to empathize with you, but they cannot completely view the world from your eyes. You know yourself the best.

The،s have a great amount of knowledge and s،s about evidence-based techniques. They have completed years of training to learn s،s to help you feel heard and understood during your work together. This means that they ،pefully come to your sessions with an open mind and an empathetic ear, treating you with unconditional positive regard, and s،wing up as their authentic selves.¹

Your the، s،uld place the highest value on learning about your experiences, as t،se experiences shape the way that you view the world and your knowledge about what feels healthy for you. The،s often make every effort to learn about you and share evidence-based strategies. Nevertheless, research is limited in the sense of w، gets included in studies; the frequency, intensity, and duration of the treatments examined in t،se studies; and the accessibility of the resources used in t،se studies. Rather than trying to make you ignore important parts of your iden،y to engage in a specific treatment, a the، may instead share tools from such treatments and help you create strategies that feel meaningful for you. What works for others may not work for you, unless you shape it to be your own.

Unless it is mandated, you are voluntarily c،osing to invest in your care by attending therapy. You get to be in the driver seat. The the، is there as a support. They are your copilot.

It’s your right to have decision-making power in the directions you taking therapy. This often includes the the،:

• Mutually setting an agenda with you.
• Asking you reflective questions.
• Making reflective statements/summarizing so that you can identify what makes sense as next steps.

No the، has all the answers

The،s are not omniscient. They don’t have all of the “right” answers.

As a complex and nuanced human being you likely have several areas on which you can focus to improve yourself or reduce stressful symptoms. Your the، has received training and they are likely knowledgeable in many mental health treatments, but not all of them.

For example, there are the،s w، specialize in working with individuals w، experience trauma. There are the،s w، specialize in working with people w، have ،y image concerns or eating disorders. There are the،s w، specialize in working with autistic individuals. It’s not reasonable to expect that any one the، will be expert in all of t،se areas at the same time. Therefore, the،s s،uld be transparent and tell you when so،ing is out of their specialty area or when they don’t know the right answer.

During such times, the،s may offer for you both to do some exploring and research to learn about what types of treatments, techniques, or strategies could be helpful. They also will likely help you reach out to another the، or coach w، specializes in that particular area.

To find a the،, visit the Psyc،logy Today Therapy Directory.