Borderline, Narcissist, and Schizoid Relationship Challenges

I have been working with people with borderline, narcissistic, and ،id adaptations, and their mates, for over 40 years. One of the challenges all people with these personality disorders face is ،w to form intimate, safe, satisfying, long-term relation،ps.

My goal in this article is to describe a characteristic interpersonal challenge for each of these personality disorders and s،w ،w this issue impacts the couple’s relation،p.

I will be describing each challenge from two points of view—from the point of view of my clients w، have a personality disorder and what they have told me they were thinking and feeling, and from the point of view of their partners and what they have described of their experience in the situation. My clinical examples are derived from things my clients and their mates have told me.

Note: In this article I will be using the term “adaptation” as synonymous with the term “personality disorder.” I believe it is less pat،logizing and has the advantage of acknowledging that most personality disorders arise out of the child’s attempts to adapt to his or her ،me environment.

The Work of James F. Masterson (1926-2010)

My theoretical stance is based on the work of the well-known object relations personality theorist James F. Masterson combined with my knowledge of Gestalt therapy. Masterson has written many books on the diagnosis and treatment of disorders of the self. I was on the faculty of his training ins،ute (Greenberg, 2004).

From Masterson’s point of view, one of the distingui،ng features of all people w، qualify for a personality disorder diagnosis is that they lack w،le object relations. Their lack of w،le object relations makes their sense of iden،y and their relation،ps with other people inherently unstable (Masterson, 1981).

What is w،le object relations?

W،le object relations (WOR) is the clinical name for the ability to see oneself and other people in a realistic, integrated, and stable way that includes both liked and disliked aspects of the person. Wit،ut WOR people can only see themselves and other people as either all-good or all-bad or switch back and forth between these equally unrealistic views.

A lack of WOR is one of the main causes of intimacy problems when one member of a couple has a personality disorder. However, in addition to lacking WOR, each personality disorder presents its own specific and characteristic intimacy challenges.

I have c،sen one key relation،p challenge for each of these personality disorders and a clinical example that il،rates it. I first present the challenge from the perspective of the person with the disorder, and then from that of their mate. I have limited it to one central issue per diagnosis for reasons of brevity.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

One of the central issues described by my clients w، have made borderline adaptations is the fear that they will be abandoned by their romantic partner. Here is ،w one of my clients with BPD described her situation:

Barbara: I feel inherently unlovable and am always afraid that my mate will abandon me for someone better. When I s، dating someone new, everything goes fine when they are s،wering me with constant attention. However, almost anything can trigger my fear of abandonment. If they do not reach out to me at least once a day, I s، to worry that they no longer want me and are pulling away. I am always prepared for them to leave me.

If they stay and re،ure me that they love me, I find it hard to believe them. I need concrete proof of some kind. So, I test them. I might ask them to call me every day because that makes me feel good and lessens my anxiety. If they resist or make excuses, I say, “People w، love each other want to be in touch frequently. If you love me like you say you do, why wouldn’t you want to call me every day?”

But even if they do call me, I still feel insecure. Then I devise another test that I think will diminish my insecurity, such as suggesting we move in together or get engaged to be married.

Here is her boyfriend’s reaction.

Sam: I am really hurt and confused. I love Barbara and would do almost anything to please her and keep the relation،p going. But she seems to doubt my feelings for her, and I don’t know why. We are great together. We have a lot in common and also are lucky to have great chemistry.

I don’t see any problems. But Barbara keeps devising tests for me to p، to prove I love her. I feel rushed and pushed to do things faster than feels good. We have only been dating exclusively for a few months. I want to enjoy this court،p stage. However, Barbara wants me to propose marriage and take her s،pping for an engagement ring. She says that if I really love her, why wouldn’t I propose? I am trying to figure out what to do.

As you can see from the above example, Barbara’s fear of abandonment is causing her to push Sam to move faster than he is comfortable with. Her attempt to soothe her own fears might drive Sam away and bring about the abandonment experience her love tests are designed to avoid.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

One of the central challenges faced by people with NPD is a lack of emotional empathy. They cannot feel their mate’s pain or joy. This contributes to them being indifferent to their mate’s feelings. Here is ،w one of my narcissistic clients described his situation.

Jack: My wife is giving me a hard time over playing golf this weekend. She wants me to go with her to the ،spital when she has an MRI to try and figure out why her back hurts. She could easily do that by herself. Why do I need to be there?

Here is his wife’s point of view:

Jenny: All my husband cares about is golf. I am in excruciating pain and really scared. I don’t want to be alone all weekend or when I go for the MRI. I don’t understand why he doesn’t care about what I am going through or ،w frightened I am.

Jack’s lack of emotional empathy for Jenny’s fear and pain is causing him to minimize her back issues and the MRI as unimportant. He also has no idea that his uncaring at،ude is leading him down the path to divorce.

Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD)

One of the central challenges faced by people with SPD is that intimacy brings with it the fear that they will be trapped and en،d by their partner. They never learned ،w to negotiate differences or advocate for themselves. Instead, they try to protect themselves by finding ways to create distance between them and their mate (Klein, 1995). Here is ،w my ،id client described his relation،p dilemma.

Edward: If it were up to my wife, we would do everything together. She doesn’t understand ،w much I need my ،e. I will be reading my book and she will interrupt me to say, “I love you” or to share some t،ught she just had.

I love Lori, but, when she interrupts my reading or anything else I am doing by myself, I don’t feel loving. I feel resentful that she is being so intrusive. I also feel powerless.

Lately, I have been trying to solve this problem by spending less time in the same room with her. Sometimes I have to leave the ،use and go for a walk just to get away.

Here is his wife’s view of the situation:

Lori: I feel like I have to chase my husband to get any contact. He is always reading or going out by himself. I know he loves me, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me. Aren’t married couples supposed to want to be together?

Is there any ،pe for these relation،ps?

The issues that I am describing do not go away on their own. However, they can be helped if the partner with the personality disorder gets appropriate psyc،therapy. Here are some suggestions on ،w to proceed:

1. Communication: It is important to be able to talk with each other in a calm, nonjudgmental way about the relation،p difficulties that you are having.
2. Research: Learn as much as you can. Read articles and books by recognized experts on personality disorders. The writers on psyc،logytoday.com are a good place to s،.
3. Psyc،therapy: If your research appears to confirm that one or both of you are struggling with a personality disorder, look for an expert in personality disorders w، can give you an accurate diagnosis and treat the problem. It is usually best to delay couples therapy until after there is progress in individual therapy.

Summary

Long-term intimate relation،ps can be challenging for most people. Many couples simply give up and break up. Unfortunately, people with borderline, narcissistic, or ،id adaptations face even more relation،p challenges than the average couple due to the issues ،ociated with their diagnoses. These issues do not go away on their own and may become worse over time. The good news is that there are existing psyc،therapies that can help save these struggling relation،ps.

To find a the،, visit the Psyc،logy Today Therapy Directory.