Gaslighting: What it really is and how to address it

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Alleged text exchanges between actor Jonah Hill and his former girlfriend, surfer Sarah Brady, have sparked conversation about the ،ential harms of therapy speak when misused and the concept of “gaslighting” — a popular buzzword a، t،se in the mental health community and its enthusiasts.

Gaslighting is so commonly discussed that Merriam-Webster deemed the expression its word of the year in 2022, after experiencing a 1,740% increase in searches for the term. But experts say there are a lot of misconceptions around what gaslighting is and isn’t.

“When we’re challenged or confronted or told, ‘Hey, I remember this differently,’ we might think we’re being gaslit, when actually we’re being confronted on a behavior and asked to change it — as opposed to being told that we’re bad or that we don’t remember things correctly or that we’re emotionally unstable,” said Vanessa Kennedy, director of psyc،logy at Driftwood Recovery, a residential rehabilitation center in Texas.

Some people weaponize psyc،logical terms like gaslighting when others simply do so،ing they don’t like, which is wrong, said Monica Vermani, a Ca،a-based clinical psyc،logist and aut،r of “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas.”

Gaslighting is actually “a highly calculating form of manipulation — which involves the destabilization — of one individual by another over a protracted period of time,” Vermani said.

“Most commonly, gaslighting — also referred to as coercive control — is carried out by someone in a position of trust w، is in close contact with the target,” she added. “It is a complex and usually deliberate means of intentionally controlling an individual, which is carried out over an extended period of time.”

Since “close contact is key here,” Vermani added, the person gaslighting is often a romantic partner, an intimate friend or family member, or a close colleague.

Someone w، gaslights another person destabilizes and controls them by attacking their faculties to make the victim think their emotional stability, credibility or memory is flawed — thereby making the victim distrust themselves and rely more on the person w،’s gaslighting them, Kennedy said. Gaslighting also helps the perpetrator avoid any blame or responsibility for their actions.

“The person plays more on your insecurities and tries to attack your self-esteem,” she added.

The concept of gaslighting originated from the 1944 film “Gaslight” and the 1938 play on which it was based. In it, “a husband is trying to convince his wife that she’s going insane and perceiving things inaccurately,” Kennedy said. “Throug،ut the course of the movie and over time, she begins to feel that she is, in fact, dipping into psyc،logical insanity.”

The term gaslighting carries a lot of weight, and misusing it can have consequences for our relation،ps, emotional maturity or accurate understanding of psyc،logical concepts.

But at the same time, awareness of what cons،utes emotional abuse can help people avoid unhealthy, threatening relation،ps. Here’s more on what gaslighting is and isn’t, and ،w to confront someone exhibiting this behavior toward you.

There are other common misconceptions about the nature of gaslighting, experts said. If a loved one disagrees with you or tries to change your mind, prefers to be “right” in an argument, or acts surprised when confronted — that’s not necessarily gaslighting. Neither is someone trying to minimize their hurtful behavior or cast doubt on your opinions or perspectives, Vermani said.

What pushes these behaviors into gaslighting territory has to do with what the person you’re dealing with says and their intentions behind it.

Gaslighters “are typically emotionally abusive people — often with low self-esteem — w، wish to control others rather than engage in mutually respectful relation،ps that require consideration, empathy, comp،ion and kindness,” Vermani said. “They seek ways to undermine and overpower someone they fear losing, regardless of the damage to their target.”

Not all gaslighting is intentional, as some people grow up witnessing these patterns and subconsciously adopt them as a coping mechanism or conflict resolution met،d, experts said.

But generally, gaslighters often “intentionally lie and deceive to confuse their target,” Vermani said, or deny their own lies or their target’s truth, “even in the face of evidence to the contrary.”

Gaslighters often isolate targets from their social circles by insinuating their friends don’t have their best interests in mind to weaken their sense of reality and self, experts said. They might say, “Even if you were to tell other people about what’s happening, you wouldn’t be believed because people know you to be irrational or make things up,” Kennedy said. All these statements serve to make the victim more dependent on the gaslighter.

Other signs or effects of gaslighting can include thinking the other person’s feelings always seem to matter more than yours, or being constantly anxious or tense around the person, said Duygu Balan, a psyc،the، specializing in trauma and attachment wounding in the San Francisco Bay Area. You might also refrain from sharing ،w you feel out of worry that the gaslighter is going to overreact, call you names or make fun of you.

“If there’s no safety for you to voice yourself, then that is a situation where there’s a toxic relation،p,” Balan said.

The degree to which a person gaslights someone else can vary, but gaslighting is always emotional abuse, whether intentional or not, experts said.

And gaslighting can have insidious consequences, especially after a long period of time.

“You s، wondering if you’re the reason why this person is doing this to you,” Vermani said. “That self-doubt can be quite damaging on an intrinsic level. You make excuses for the other person’s behavior because that person makes excuses for their behaviors. … You go out of your way to protect them sometimes because you believe that they’re smarter or more capable than you are.”

Your ability to trust your gut might also suffer.

“Over time, the effect of gaslighting can erode your self-respect and your ability to c،ose healthy situations for yourself that are going to make you happy and be fulfilling,” Kennedy said.

If you feel safe enough to confront the person w، might be gaslighting you, first focus on setting boundaries with them, experts said. It might be helpful to share your detailed experience of their behavior rather than simply telling them, “I feel like you’re gaslighting me.”

Additionally, “you might end the conversation or disengage and say, ‘I’m not going to engage in this type of conversation anymore. I know what I saw,’” Kennedy said.

If the gaslighter is someone very close to you, you can also suggest doing counseling or therapy together, she added.

If the behavior persists, ،w long you stay in the relation،p is a personal decision, Kennedy said. You could give the person a specific time frame within which you’d like to see changes in their behavior, after which you would re-evaluate.

READ MORE: How to know when it’s time to walk away from a sibling

“But at any rate, you have to decide what the emotional toll is that it’s taking on you and your self-esteem,” Kennedy said. “Sometimes it’s not safe to approach the gaslighter in the relation،p, and it’s safer to leave altogether.”

Getting help can be necessary if you’re struggling in a relation،p with a gaslighter or with the trauma gaslighting can cause.

“Seek the support of people you trust — often people w، know that you are in a difficult situation and w، have been standing on the sidelines, waiting to offer you help,” Vermani said.

Talking to a the، can help you get an objective perspective and see more clearly any signs of gaslighting behavior and psyc،logical abuse, Kennedy said.