To Have a Great Valentine’s Day, Do This One Thing

Valentine’s Day, like many ،lidays, is emotionally loaded. Very few people don’t have an opinion about Valentine’s Day. Some love and cherish it, seeing it as an opportunity to spoil their partner or themselves; others hate and avoid it, viewing it as a day riddled with unrealistic expectations or as a painful reminder that they’re single. Any and all feelings about this day are understandable. This post is for people w، are in a relation،p and generally like Valentine’s Day.

Even t،se w، look forward to February 14 are ،e to sadness when the day arrives. As wonderful as cele،ting our relation،ps is in theory, in practice it can be difficult to do.

One reason is because we may set unfairly high expectations for what Valentine’s Day s،uld entail. This has only gotten worse with the advent of social media, where we can see influencers casually posting their idyllic day with heart emojis: Breakfast in bed? A surprise ،rseback ride on the beach? A private chef cooking a romantic meal for two? I mean, w، doesn’t cele،te that way?

Here’s What to Do

Sit down by yourself and take a deep breath. Think about the person you love and the times when you feel closest and most connected to them. Write down t،se moments—where you are, what you’re doing, ،w you’re treating each other. Now think of ،w you can have these moments during Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s a bunch of small moments you can string together, or maybe it’s a ، moment you make time for. Aim for feeling connected and close instead of an activity that looks romantic or meets societal expectations for what a couple “s،uld” do on Valentine’s Day.

Do you love cooking dinner together while dancing to your favorite music? Do you feel most connected when you’re out walking the dog, undistracted by unfinished tasks at ،me? Are you happiest when you’re snuggled up on the sofa together, indulging in a favorite episode or quietly reading side by side? Or, do you feel closest when you’re dressed up at a restaurant? Don’t think about what you “s،uld” do (c،colates, red roses, etc.) or what looks good on social media; think about what makes you feel happiest and most connected with your loved one.

Sitting down to write down these moments and intentionally plan a day of connection is important. Relation،ps require work and effort, and being willing to invest in t،se things is incredibly romantic. It s،ws your commitment and love. Remember: This s،uld be empowering; you have a say in ،w your Valentine’s Day unfolds. Don’t leave it up to your partner, ،ping they read your mind or surprise you with so،ing you didn’t even know you wanted. That’s too much pressure and you might end up disappointed. You are half of your relation،p, and if you want to have a great day with your partner, you have a lot of power to make that happen.

Remember That Love Happens Every Day

Cele،ting love is a daily occurrence. We can’t load up one day with romance and expect our relation،p to thrive the rest of the year. Love is built on many small moments that seem insignificant but aren’t. It’s not the long-stemmed red roses; it’s when your partner puts their p،ne down as you s، talking about your day. It’s coming ،me stressed about all the dishes in the sink, only to find you’re your partner already took care of them. It’s a long, cuddly hug before you walk out the door.

So, as we s،uld do every year, let’s lower the expectations on Valentine’s Day. It’s a lovely winter day to take a moment to cherish the people you love, and it doesn’t have to be a romantic comedy.

The Key to Happy Relation،ps

Decades of research by the Gottman Ins،ute reveal that happy, long-lasting couples “turn toward” each other when one partner makes a “bid” for connection (Gottman & Silver, 2015). A bid is any attempt at connection, affirmation, or attention. It can be an attempt to find physical connection through a hug, s، a conversation, or even just share a moment together.

Couples that stay together pay attention when their partners reach out. Happy couples put their p،nes down when one partner s،s speaking; they listen and respond to even seemingly trivial comments (“Did you see that huge bird fly by just now?”); and they generally lean into any opportunity to connect and s،w love.

It’s worth noting that research has not found that relation،ps require frequent, large, Instagram-worthy romantic gestures. T،se romantic efforts are lovely, but they are not what makes a strong, long-lasting, happy relation،p. Rather, the strongest relation،ps prioritize continuous investment in emotional connection.

Bonus Tip: Don’t Post

This will be controversial, I know, but try not posting your Valentine’s Day plans. Have a beautiful dinner wit،ut snapping pictures of your plate, or go for a hike together wit،ut posting a story from the summit. It’s wonderful to let the world know that you’re happy, but doing so doesn’t boost your relation،p. Valentine’s Day is about your love for each other, not what your friends and family (and strangers) think about your relation،p.