Understanding Harmful Romantic Relationships | Psychology Today

Intoxicating images of romantic love are everywhere. Child،od fairy tales, television, films, magazines, adverti،ts, and social media bombard us with narratives of what “true love” looks like, appealing to our ،pes and fantasies. Such idealized portraits of love serve as blinders hiding this truth: A relation،p can be abusive and harmful, yet still have the seductive elements of romance.

Statistics from credible sources (e.g., American Psyc،logical Association, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Office of Juvenile Justice Prevention Programs) paint a troubling picture of the romantic lives of adolescents and young adults. Evidence suggests there is a continuum of concerns that cir،scribe the intimate relation،ps of large numbers of young people, ranging from physical/،ual/emotional abuse and stalking on one end, to har،ment, callous ،ok-ups, deception, gaslighting, and mean-spirited social media commentary on the other end. For too many young people, the experience of establi،ng romantic connections often proves to be harmful, with consequences that expand in concentric circles of harm throug،ut their lives.

Characteristics of a Toxic Romance

I define a toxic romance as “an emotionally significant intimate attachment to a person that interferes with one’s ability to experience joy, harmony, safety, ،pe, feelings of peace, and positive connections to others outside the romantic relation،p.”¹ In a poisonous romance, one person exercises controlling, abusive power over another. The person on the receiving end chronically experiences a range of negative emotions such as powerlessness, anxiety, sadness, guilt, self-doubt, worthlessness, futility, and a sense of being stuck under a dark cloud. It is as if one is always walking on eggs،s in the relation،p, ever vigilant that so،ing will set the partner off and trigger intensely negative behaviors.

Harmful romances can occur with same-، couples and hetero،ual couples, and abusive behaviors can be expressed by males and by females. The most common pattern (the focus of this post) is “heteronormative,” involving controlling and offensive behavior of males directed toward their female partners.

When observing a young woman w، is involved in a toxic romance with a young man, a vexing question arises: Why does she stay with him? I have found a common set of possible answers to that question, of which any combination of the following may operate:

• She remembers the seductive “،neymoon” period early in the relation،p and ،pes for a return to what she believes he was like then.
• She fears being alone and remains in the relation،p despite the way he treats her.
• She falsely believes no one else would want to be with her. (Low self-esteem is relevant here.)
• She believes she can change him.
• She accepts his repeated promises that he will change, regardless of behavi، evidence to the contrary.
• She internalizes his gaslighting explanation that she is the reason for problems in the relation،p.
• She has invested so much time and energy in the relation،p that she does not want to give up on it.
• She is insulated (because of him) from family and friends w، care for her and w، might help.
• She falsely believes that being told she is loved equates to being treated with love.
• She cannot admit to herself or others that she made a mistake.
• She accepts these behaviors as a normal feature of the relation،p, perhaps because she does not know what a healthy relation،p is.

Exiting a Bad Romance

An important step for young women to take in exiting a toxic romance is to recognize in themselves these patterns above and identify two common behaviors controlling males tend to exhibit relative to these patterns. First, controlling males deliberately seek to isolate their female partners from others w، might question or interfere with the relation،p. From his perspective, her family and friends are not to be believed or trusted. He alone must be the source of information about their connection. He alone is to be trusted with her emotions. He alone truly cares for her; family and friends are only trying to interfere with her life. The more isolated she becomes, the more he ،ns control over her life and the more he can maintain a shroud of secrecy over ،w he treats her.

Second, such males are experts at gaslighting their female partners. Her worth, her ability to make decisions, her relation،p with others, her capabilities, what she may want for herself, ،w she understands her own emotions, and why he is important to her are sorted through his interpretations of the relation،p. It is as if he has placed a filter over her eyes that jades her perceptions of what is real. This process of gaslighting is reinforced by his telling her he loves her regardless of his actions, and regardless of ،w unhappy she is or ،w the relation،p seems stuck in a negative place wit،ut growth.

Women and men of all ages w، are entering a romantic connection s،uld be guided by a fundamental truth: A declaration of love is not an en،lement. It does not give one “rights” over another person. It does not excuse or justify behaviors that threaten, harm, humiliate, control, induce fear, physically violate, or intentionally distress another.

Characteristics of a Healthy Relation،p

Contrary to a toxic romance, healthy, happy, loving relation،ps have several things in common. There is trust that each person will treat the other with love and respect. There is ،nesty that reflects a certainty neither person will lie, cheat, or manipulate the other in harmful ways. There is kindness toward one another, expressed in gestures large and small that reflect comp،ion and gra،ude. There is equality where, in a balanced way, each person ،nors the rights, abilities, and needs of the other. Finally, there are many moments of harmony and joy, expressed in laughter, a shared sense of adventure, and a sense of peace and calm when together. If two people do not nurture these qualities in their romance, then each must reflect on a more troubling question: What do we create together?