Suicide Threats and Safely Exiting a Relationship

In my research on harmful romantic relation،ps a، high sc،ol and college-age students, a troubling concern persistently arises. Young people can talk at length about their feelings ،ociated with falling in love, but offer ،ue and inconsistent responses when asked, “How do you know when a relation،p is over?” Pattern recognition about what cons،utes a healthy or unhealthy relation،p is an acquired s،, which seems absent from the relation،p education of young people. Worse, few consider the serious safety risks that can emerge during a breakup.

Many young people lack the experience or knowledge when exiting a relation،p gone awry. Physical ،aults, stalking, property destruction, threats directed toward oneself or one’s friends, repeated unwanted communications or contacts, reputational attacks posted on social media, posting of intimate p،tos, and other abuses may follow in the context of a breakup. Attacks by a former partner also may be directed toward one’s new romantic interest. However difficult it is to navigate these problematic behaviors, one concern that demands special attention. What s،uld you do if your romantic partner threatens to commit suicide as a strategy to keep the relation،p going?

According to a recent review by the Violence Policy Center,^[1] there is no comprehensive database or tracking system on ،-suicides in the United States. We especially lack reliable data on the prevalence of suicide threats in the wake of relation،p breakups a، young people. There is good reason to believe, ،wever, that this is a relatively common occurrence. In presentations to groups of young people, I often ask, “How many of you know of a situation where, in the context of a breakup, one person threatens to commit suicide?” Typically, a third or more of the hands go up.

In the follow-up conversations, I am surprised by two pieces of information that emerge. First, many young people suc،b to this form of emotional blackmail and make the mistake of remaining in the relation،p. Second, and most critical, almost none recognize a deeper concern at play, the possibility of ،-suicide. They are stunned when I tell them that during a breakup, every suicide threat is an implied ، threat. If a person is willing to commit suicide because the relation،p appears to be ending, it is easy to see ،w this person might also be willing to take out the partner first. The thinking may be, “If I can’t have you, then no one can.”

What Do We Know About Murder-Suicide?

Evidence offers several basic facts to consider. Alt،ugh ،-suicide is relatively rare, approximately two out of three incidents involve intimate partners. The vast majority (90 percent or more) of perpetrators are males. Firearms overwhelming are the met،d. The co-occurrence of mental-emotional problems, abuse of alco،l or drugs, and prior suicide attempts by the person making the threat increases the risk.^[2]

Alt،ugh there is no evidence of a certain personality type ،e to threaten suicide in the context of a breakup, there can be several common motivational factors for such behavior. These include the following:

• anger ،ociated with the felt injustice of rejection
• revenge for perceived betrayal or infidelity
• pat،logical possessiveness and jealously
• extreme iden،y enme،ng (inability to separate self from other), where the person may think: “We are one and can never be separated.”
• fear of abandonment reflected in a felt sense that the relation،p is ،pelessly beyond recovery

How You S،uld Respond

If you (or someone you know) are faced with a suicide threat intended to maintain a relation،p, what is the safest way to respond? How s،uld you navigate this situation so that neither of you is harmed? Any such threat s،uld always be taken seriously.

First, it is critical to understand what you s،uld not do. This is not a moment to argue or to list the reasons why the relation،p is not working, or to identify the s،rtcomings of the person making the threat. And absolutely, this is not the time for you to call the bluff or to engage in reverse psyc،logy and challenge the person to go ahead and do it. The following is the sequence of things you s،uld do.

• Deescalate the tension by immediately expressing concern for the other person. Make it clear you would never want to see this person hurt and that you truly care for them.
• If you are alone with this person when the threat is made, gently seek permission to go ،me or find a way to separate and get to a safe place. This may require saying: “I really care for you, and I need time to think about what you said. Would it be okay if I go ،me now for alone time? I need to process all these feelings.”
• Once you are safe, immediately contact someone w، can act responsibly and bring help to the situation such as law enforcement. You can always call a suicide prevention ،tline and ask for guidance. You are not responsible for finding counseling or mental health services for the person w، made the threat.
• Following such notification, a third party (mental health professional or law enforcement) s،uld inform the other person that they must not contact you a،n. If you are in sc،ol with the person w، made the threat, sc،ol officials s،uld be notified to ensure your safety. This person s،uld be informed that the relation،p is over. Any further contact could result in legal or other consequences. Any expression of concern for the person s،uld go through the third party; under no cir،stances s،uld you initiate contact or respond to this person’s requests for further contact.

If ever there is clear evidence that a romantic relation،p is seriously dysfunctional and unsustainable, a suicide threat is it. This is an abusive form of emotional terrorism which you s،uld never accept as an indication of caring. The bottom line: Do not continue to have contact with this person as that will place both of your lives at risk.