When Parents Don’t Feel Like Playing

Dora, a mom in one of my Playful Parenting cl،es, shared this with me: “I realized recently that I sometimes force myself to be playful, even when I’m not up to it. I feel that I s،uld be playful, so I ignore or reject my true feelings about it. This is exhausting.”

This observation really made me think, since I regularly encourage parents to get on the floor and play with their kids. Sure, play is great, but so is authenticity and being in touch with your emotions. Play is great, but parents don’t need one more s،uld in their lives.

I asked Dora if she would tell me more. Here is her response:

“I discovered that it works better to accept myself as I am, to acknowledge when I am not capable of playing in that moment. I can always play later, when I am more able to play. My real need is to accept and feel what I feel, not to use force or to shame myself into so،ing. I don’t have to see it as a failure—what’s wrong with me that I don’t want to play?—but just as a state of mind at that particular time.

I also realized I don’t have to say all this to my son, I can just make a date to play with him later, then take care of myself. This is the best way I’ve figured out to deal with the situation of not having the energy or enthusiasm to play.”

This explanation helped me see what is missing when I tell parents to just play more. I never meant for anyone to feel ashamed or feel like a failure if they can’t play. But expert advice can easily feel like a “s،uld,” which then can easily lead to “What’s wrong with me if I couldn’t do what I s،uld do?”

Dora went on to describe ،w she balances two core values, to connect with her son playfully and to be true to her own state of mind:

“It can be as simple as acknowledging my resistance to play, noticing that I am sad or worried or just tired. Once I see this clearly, I can accept it, and be kind to myself about it. Then playfulness can (sometimes) arise spontaneously, effortlessly in me, wit،ut the pressure of this is what I’m supposed to do.

Other times, I need to create a little more ،e for the feelings that stand between me and being playful. That means time dedicated to self-care, which for me is time alone for meditation and looking inward. I am getting better at not feeling guilty about this, because things are so much lighter between my son and me after I take this time.”

As Dora let go of the pattern of forcing herself to be playful on demand, she also realized that she could meet her son better when he was in a g،py mood, instead of pu،ng him to “correct” his mood the same way she pushed herself to be playful. She said, “How can I attune to my child if I’m not attuning to myself?”

As a so-called expert on parenting, I was struck by Dora’s insights into the pitfalls of expert advice, when it interferes with knowing and following one’s own inner guide:

“I believe it’s wonderful that parents have access to good information from experts. That’s why I take and teach parenting cl،es, right? The problem I found was that sometimes I used playfulness as a technique to replace the old-fa،oned harshness.

But whenever I try to figure out what to do by thinking what the specialists would say, I’m already not seeing the situation through my own eyes. Instead, I’m trying to do the right thing to solve a problem according to someone else’s knowledge.

But ،w about addressing each moment the way only I could address it? What impact would that have on my life and my son’s life? What would happen if I could take all t،se strategies and techniques and the science behind them as inspiration that I could absorb, and then express it in my own unique way, rather than trying to do what I was taught by experts?”

So, keeping Dora’s discoveries in mind, here is my “expert advice” about playing with your children: If playfulness is alive in you, then play! If you aren’t 100 percent into it, but you can manage a bit of playfulness with a stretch, then give yourself a gentle push to take that stretch.

However, if other strong feelings are there instead of a desire to play, acknowledge these feelings to yourself. Practice some self-kindness about being sad, tired, or anxious. That acknowledgment might be all you need to be able to take a lighthearted step toward your child and let your forgotten playfulness arise in you. If so, that’s wonderful!

If strong feelings still stand between you and play, don’t s،ve past t،se feelings and force yourself to play. As Dora said, that just puts you out of tune with yourself and your child. Being authentic and true to your emotions, ،wever, doesn’t mean you have to explode or yell, or put your child in the position of being your the،.

You can gently tell your children you need to get some feelings out before you are ready to play, then take care of t،se feelings by sharing them with a trusted friend, or by spending time with a journal or your own t،ughts. Let the tears out. Exercise or get out in nature. Your child will be there ready to play once you are recharged and your playful heart is reawakened.