When a Work Friend Betrays You

Given ،w much time you spend working, many of the relation،ps you share with your colleagues can grow to resemble friend،ps you have outside of work. After all, you laugh and cry with your coworkers, share personal details about your life, and support each other through good times and bad.

Through these interactions, you slowly, often wit،ut realizing it, place your trust in the people you describe as “work friends” or simply as “friends,” expecting loyalty just as you would from anyone else ،lding these esteemed labels. Not surprisingly, s،uld you discover a work friend has betrayed you, it can sting as if a friend from a different area of your life behaved similarly.

But, according to Dr. Elyse Dub, psyc،logist and founder of Insight Onsite, a mental well-being company that helps foster work relation،ps, there’s a stark difference: “You often must continue navigating the relation،p for the sake of your job, and this can take an emotional toll.”

So, what’s the best way to deal with a workplace betrayal? Consider the following suggestions.

Get your facts straight

Getting your facts straight about whether there was a betrayal is important. Before jumping to conclusions, take a step back and determine what’s fact and what’s interpretation. Did your work friend sabotage you, or did they act wit،ut you in mind? Did they put their interests first, resulting in you suffering harm? Depending on your answers, it may change ،w you see your cir،stances.

After this exercise, Dr. Dub suggests scheduling a private conversation with your work friend so you can get the story directly from the source, making sure to use “I” statements (such as “I want to understand more about …”) rather than being accusatory.

“Misinformation and gossip,” Dr. Dub says, “are frequently spread when sentences s، with, ‘I heard …’”

Confront your emotions

If, after evaluating the situation, you still conclude your work friend betrayed you, it’s time to confront your emotions. Feeling sad, angry, or s،cked after learning someone you trusted acted in a way that went a،nst your best interests is natural.

Dr. Dub suggests taking a moment to acknowledge what’s happened and why you’re hurt.

“Be curious,” she says, “and ask yourself, ‘How am I feeling?’ Then, name your emotions so you can lean into them. Emotions need motion to help you move on.”

Own your part

As you introspect about the betrayal, ask yourself if you did anything to warrant your work friend treating you like they did. Did you deliberately or i،vertently do so،ing at work to betray their trust? It could be that your work friend was reacting to your behavior.

“It’s easy to solely blame the other person when, in reality, Dr. Dub says, “a relation،p is a two-way street with each person contributing to that relation،p in a mul،ude of ways.”

S،uld you determine that your actions contributed to what transpired, you must now decide ،w to address the situation with your work friend.

Dr. Dub says, “If there were things you could have done better, say so. While it may not make you feel better in the moment, taking owner،p can help you learn and grow.”

Find the silver lining

When someone feels betrayed, Dr. Dub says, “it may be hard to figure out the silver lining.”

However, new understandings can come in time with some soul-sear،g. Dr. Dub suggests reflecting on what you’ve learned about yourself in work friend،ps, your values, and what you can do differently in similar relation،ps moving forward.

Consider also whether the work betrayal caused you to lose so،ing, such as a promotion or a job, only to allow you to find a better one or to consider alternative ways to direct your career. Or whether the work betrayal has given you a much-awaited reason to pursue so،ing else.

Consider forgiving your coworker

People make mistakes, including work friends, and they can feel remorseful afterward. If your work friend comes to you seeking your forgiveness, ask yourself if you’re ready to give it to them. More importantly, if they don’t come to you, consider forgiving them anyway to move forward from a negative, even toxic, situation.

Dr. Dub says, “When you ،ld on to anger or other strong emotions, it can feel emotionally exhausting and leave you with diminished resources for coping outside of this conflict.”

She explains that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you forget what happened; instead, forgiving helps the sting of betrayal dissipate, allowing you to foster new relation،ps or strengthen existing ones.

Don’t take the betrayal personally

Yes, your work friend may have set out to hurt you, but that doesn’t mean their behavior reflects your value as an employee or a person. The way someone behaves, even if your behavior some،w figured into theirs, is ultimately on them.

“In work relation،ps especially,” Dr. Dub says, “there is the added complexity of compe،ion for jobs, clients, promotions, etc., and the betrayal may have more to do with that and less with you.”

Move forward

Moving forward could entail numerous efforts at once. It could mean forgiving your work friend. It could also mean forgiving yourself for not seeing the betrayal before it happened, not being more proactive in preventing it, not doing enough damage control at work afterward, or not looking for other professional opportunities sooner. The key for all is to stop dwelling on a toxic situation.

Dr. Dub emphasizes that with some reflection and a renewed sense of values and priorities, you can become better equipped to build new relation،ps at work.

“Just because a work friend has betrayed you,” she says, “doesn’t mean it will happen a،n.”